| "Why don't I have friends?" asked Isabella. | | | | her up and they back away from the pull, while they |
| Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having a problem | | | | feel safe opening up with Chloe because they |
| that many people have. Sometimes, if people don't | | | | intuitively feel that she doesn't need anything from |
| keep their high school friends or meet friends in college | | | | them. |
| or at work, they may have trouble making friends. | | | | "Isabella, what is your idea of a friend?" I asked. |
| Yet there are many people who seem to be able to | | | | "A friend is there for you when you need her. She |
| make friends wherever they go. What is the | | | | listens to you and wants to spend fun time with you." |
| difference between Isabella and these people who | | | | "And what is your idea of being a friend? What do |
| easily make friends? | | | | you see yourself offering as a friend?" |
| Actually, there is a big difference. | | | | Silence. |
| The difference has to do with intent - with WHY a | | | | "What are you thinking, Isabella?" |
| person wants to be friends. | | | | "I've never thought about being a friend. I've just |
| Take a moment to go inside and be honest with | | | | thought about having a friend." |
| yourself. Which is more important to you regarding | | | | "It sounds like you want a friend to get caring rather |
| making friends: | | | | than to share caring - is that right?" |
| * To get caring? | | | | "Yeah, I guess so. Is that wrong?" |
| * To share caring? | | | | "It's neither right or wrong. It just doesn't work well. |
| It was obvious to me that Isabella's desire to have | | | | Why would someone want a one way friendship with |
| friends came from her ego wounded self. She wanted | | | | you?" |
| friends to fill her up, to entertain her and make her | | | | "I never looked at it that way." |
| laugh, and to approve of her. She did not think of | | | | "Isabella, you don't have any friends because you have |
| friendship in terms of what she had to offer, but of | | | | a big black hole in you that pulls on others to fill it up. No |
| what she could get. | | | | one wants the responsibility of filling up your emptiness. |
| I thought of Chloe, another one of my clients, who had | | | | Until you learn to be loving to yourself and take |
| recently moved to a new city and already had a few | | | | responsibility for your own feelings of worth, you will |
| really close friends. What was the difference between | | | | be pulling on others to do this for you, and they will |
| Isabella and Chloe? | | | | back off from you. They will not be attracted to your |
| Chloe is a naturally giving and caring person, with a | | | | neediness." |
| quick and open smile. She is a good listener, and is the | | | | "So what do I need to do to make friends?" |
| kind of person that you just know would be there for | | | | "You need to make friends with yourself first - learning |
| you if you needed her. The major difference between | | | | and practicing how to take loving care of your own |
| Isabella and Chloe is that Isabella has a big black hole | | | | feelings and define your own worth. Are you willing to |
| inside her, while Chloe is full of love inside. | | | | do this? |
| This is because Isabella makes others responsible for | | | | "Yes!" |
| her feelings of worth and safety, while Chloe takes | | | | Isabella did do her inner work and was so gratified to |
| responsibility for her own sense of worth and safety. | | | | find herself gradually making some friends. It took time, |
| The result is that people feel pulled on by Isabella to fill | | | | but it was worth it! |