| Have you recently ended a relationship or are you | | | | the same. |
| recently divorced? Are you thinking about dating | | | | Most relationships create a system with one person |
| again? | | | | being a caretaker and the other being a taker. These |
| Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene | | | | roles can switch in different relationships and around |
| is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time | | | | different issues. Unless you heal your tendencies to be |
| to start a new relationship? | | | | a caretaker or a taker, you will continue to create |
| Here are some questions to ponder: | | | | relationship systems that don't work. |
| 1. Are you fully over your last relationship, or do you still | | | | Underneath all relationship dysfunction are control |
| have hope of reconciliation? | | | | issues. Whether you control with anger, righteousness, |
| If you still fantasize about getting back with your | | | | blame, judgment, compliance, resistance, or withdrawal |
| partner, then you are not truly available for another | | | | of love, until you heal the fear underlying all controlling |
| relationship. Is there really a possibility of reconciliation, | | | | behavior, you will continue to create relationship |
| or are you making up the possibility? If there really is a | | | | problems. |
| possibility, then it is certainly not time to date. If the | | | | This does not mean that these issues need to be |
| relationship is really over, then you need to fully accept | | | | healed before starting a new relationship, but it does |
| this before moving on to another relationship. As long | | | | mean is that you need to be in the process of healing |
| as you are in denial about the relationship being over, | | | | to have a chance at a good relationship. |
| you are not fully available for another relationship. | | | | 4. Do you feel available for a new relationship? |
| 2. If your partner has died, do you feel ready for a | | | | Most people have two bottom-line fears when it |
| new relationship? | | | | comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the |
| If you had a loving relationship with your deceased | | | | fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the |
| partner, then any time you feel ready is fine. You | | | | other or the fear of losing yourself. These are deep |
| already know how to have a good relationship, so | | | | fears that start in childhood and may continue |
| there is a good chance of having another good | | | | throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully |
| relationship when you feel ready for it. | | | | emotionally available in a relationship. |
| 3. Have you fully explored your part of why your | | | | These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a |
| relationship ended? | | | | powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection |
| When a relationship goes on the rocks, it is because | | | | personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a |
| each partner is contributing to the problems. It is | | | | strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to |
| always fairly easy to see what the other person did | | | | control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection. |
| that caused problems, but much harder to see what | | | | Again, these fears do not need to be healed before |
| you did. | | | | starting a relationship, but unless you are in the process |
| It may be necessary for you to have therapeutic help | | | | of healing them and continue to do healing work within |
| in understanding your end of the relationship issues. I | | | | a relationship, there is a good chance that you will |
| have been working with individuals and couples for 40 | | | | recreate another unsuccessful relationship. |
| years and I have seen that people tend to repeat the | | | | A relationship is a wonderful arena for healing and |
| same patterns in relationships over and over unless | | | | growth when both people are devoted to learning to |
| they do some healing work. Even if, at the beginning, a | | | | be a strong loving adult. If you are on a devoted |
| new relationship looks different from your other | | | | healing and learning path, make sure that your new |
| relationships, there is a good possibility that it will end up | | | | partner is too! |