The Silent Treatment

Research indicates that children would rather be yelledWhen Your Partner is Punishing you With the Silent
at than ignored.Treatment
When prisoners are being punished, they are put inWhat goes on inside you when your partner shuts
isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshestdown to you?
punishments there is - other than physical abuse.- Do you tell yourself you must have done something
The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way towrong?
attempt to control children and partners into doing what- Do you feel a sense of loneliness and heartache that
you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval,feels unbearable?
and can cause much fear in people who are- Do you feel alone and abandoned inside?
vulnerable to this.- Do you feel anxious and scared?
You are giving people the silent treatment when youIf you feel any of these, it is really because you are
shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing toabandoning yourself and making your partner
interact with them or acknowledge their presence. Youresponsible for you. It is you doing this that is allowing
act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at allthe silent treatment to work to control you.
or giving them a very minimal and withheld response.If you were taking loving care of yourself and taking
Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get100% responsibility for your own feelings, here is what
the message that they have displeased you. Theywould be going on inside:
have done something wrong in your eyes and- You would be telling yourself: "My partner is choosing
deserve to be punished, deserve to have your "love"to punish me rather than take responsibility for his or
taken away.her feelings. Whatever I may or may not have done
Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all,that he or she doesn't like, I am not responsible for
since love is unconditional. What you are taking awayhow he or she is dealing with it, and I have no control
is your approval, and for children andover him or her.
approval-dependent adults, it is a powerful form of- You would be bringing love inside, letting yourself
control.know that you are a good person and deserving of
The Consequenceslove.
While it may seem to you to work for the moment,- You would get out of range of your partner's energy
there are huge negative consequences following the- taking a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, or doing
silent treatment. Children feel unloved and unlovable,something else to make yourself happy.
developing deep beliefs about their inadequacy. While- You would keep your own heart open, not going into
they may comply to avoid your withdrawal ofanger or judgment toward your partner, so that when
approval, inwardly they are likely to feel lonely andyour partner decides to open again, there is no residue
heartbroken - feelings that they can't handle - so theyfor you. You would not punish your partner for trying
become angry and resistant to manage the feelings.to punish you. You would just make sure that their
Their anger and resistance may show up in otherspunishment doesn't work for them.
areas that cause problems for them and for you.- You would embrace your loneliness and heartache
While your partner may scurry around to try to pleasewith deep compassion for yourself, sitting with these
you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the factfeelings for a few minutes and then releasing them to
that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelingsSpirit.
of heartache in your partner that may eventually leadEventually, when you are truly taking loving care of
to the end of the relationship. What seems to work foryourself, others will stop using the silent treatment,
the moment may lead to exactly what you don't wantsince it will no longer work for them.
in the long run.