| Mark sought my help because he was thinking of | | | | was really scared. |
| leaving his wife, Linda. | | | | He told her that her anger was pushing him away, and |
| He had not been feeling in love with Linda for a long | | | | that he didn't likebeing home anymore because he felt |
| time, but they hadtwo children and he really didn't want | | | | so blamed and controlled by her. |
| to break up the family. | | | | He told her that he was attracted to another woman |
| "Mark," I asked, "Were you ever in love with Linda?" | | | | who was treatinghim with kindness and caring, and |
| "Yes, at the beginning of our relationship." | | | | that he wanted this from Linda. Hetold her he had |
| "Then what happened?" | | | | been thinking of leaving and had sought my help |
| "Linda seemed to get really insecure once I started my | | | | andthat I told him to tell the truth. He asked her if she |
| new businessand had long work days. Even though I | | | | would join him incounseling. |
| think I gave her a lot of attentionon the weekends, she | | | | Linda was shocked. She had no idea all this was going |
| started getting angry pretty much every day. | | | | on with Mark. |
| Thenafter our son was born, she seemed even more | | | | She thought she was the only one feeling so unloved |
| unhappy and irritable. | | | | in the relationship. |
| She gets mean when she's angry and I just don't find | | | | At first she reacted exactly as Mark feared, with |
| that appealing. Idon't feel close to her anymore." | | | | anger, hurt, and blame. |
| "Have you said anything to her about this?" I asked. | | | | But he told her the truth about this too - that he had |
| "No," he replied. "She already seems so unhappy. I don't | | | | been afraid to betruthful with her because of this |
| want to hurther feelings." | | | | reaction, and that if she wanted the truth,she need to |
| "So how do you handle it?" | | | | be open to it rather than closed and angry. Finally |
| "I guess I just sort of shut down and pretend that | | | | Lindaheard him and they were able to talk honestly for |
| everything is okay. But | | | | the first time in years. |
| I'm spending more and more time at work because I | | | | Linda was actually relieved at hearing the truth, once |
| don't like being athome and recently I met another | | | | she got over theinitial shock and they were able to talk. |
| woman that I'm attracted to. I realize | | | | She agreed to counseling. |
| I've got to do something about this." | | | | In counseling, Mark discovered that Linda also had |
| "Do you really think that leaving her will cause less hurt | | | | been afraid to behonest with Mark, fearing that he |
| than telling heryour truth?" | | | | would withdraw even more. She wasjust as afraid of |
| "Well, if I just leave then I don't have to deal with her | | | | his withdrawal as he was of her anger. They |
| hurt." | | | | discoveredthat both of them had been protecting |
| "Mark, that's a lack of courage and integrity. And you | | | | against their fears rather thanbeing open to learning |
| have two childrento think about. You once loved Linda | | | | with each other. As they both opened to learning,the |
| and it's possible that you couldagain, but only if you are | | | | love gradually came back into their relationship. |
| willing to be honest. You need to give Linda achance | | | | People often believe that they are withholding their |
| to deal with this. She has no idea what's going on. She | | | | truth to spare theirpartner pain, but their real intent is to |
| mightdecide to deal with her anger, or she might not, | | | | protect themselves from theresponse they fear. |
| but at least give her achance to make that decision. | | | | Protecting against pain - with anger, withdrawal,and |
| And relationship problems are never one-sided. | | | | blame - will always bring about the very pain we fear, |
| Perhaps she has things to say to you too." | | | | while openingto learning and speaking our truth opens |
| Mark decided to tell Linda the truth, even though he | | | | the door to love. |