| "I cringe every time Debra says to me, 'Let's talk about | | | | are you going to try to control her anger by giving |
| our relationship,'" Chad told me in one of our phone | | | | yourself up and listening to her? That is just as |
| sessions. | | | | controlling as her blaming you!" |
| "What is it about talking about your relationship that | | | | "Oh, I never thought of it that way. I'm trying to control |
| makes you cringe?" I asked. | | | | her when I listen to her?" |
| "It always seems to be about something I'm doing that | | | | "Well, why do you listen to her when you don't want |
| she is upset about and wants me to change." | | | | to?" |
| "Then why do you listen?" | | | | "So she won't get angry. I see what you mean. I am |
| "Aren't I supposed to listen? Aren't people supposed to | | | | trying to control how she feels about me by giving |
| talk about their relationship? Aren't I supposed to care | | | | myself up." |
| about her feelings?" | | | | "Right. It will take a lot of courage to not listen to her |
| "Yes, it is wonderful when people can openly talk | | | | when she is wanting to control you, but it is the only |
| about their relationship, with a deep desire to learn | | | | way of moving out of your codependent system and |
| about themselves and each other. But when one | | | | into personal responsibility for yourself." |
| person wants to talk about what the other is doing | | | | How often do you listen to someone when you don't |
| wrong, it doesn't feel good and it won't get anywhere. | | | | want to? Whether it is a partner, a friend, a relative, |
| That kind of talking is about controlling rather than | | | | you are trying to control their feelings when you don't |
| learning. Learning leads to resolution and intimacy, while | | | | want to listen to them but you listen anyway. |
| controlling leads to distance and distress. So it is much | | | | Are you afraid of hurting their feelings? Are you afraid |
| kinder to yourself not to listen when Debra just wants | | | | of their anger? You will have the courage to walk |
| to talk about what you are doing wrong. When she is | | | | away only when you understand that it is not loving to |
| doing that, she is making you responsible for her | | | | yourself or to them to listen when they are blaming, |
| feelings." | | | | judging, or in some way making you responsible for |
| "So should I just walk away when she is upset? That | | | | their happiness, worth, or lovability. |
| seems really cold and uncaring." | | | | What about when someone is going on and on and |
| "Do you want to be responsible for her feelings?" | | | | you can't get in a word edgewise? What does this |
| "No. So what do I say when she says, 'Let's talk about | | | | person want from you? Most of the time they are |
| our relationship'"? | | | | operating from a talking addiction, using their talking to |
| "Chad, what would make you feel really great to say?" | | | | get others' attention. They have abandoned |
| "I guess I would love to say something like, "If what you | | | | themselves and are pulling on you to fill them up and |
| want to talk about is me, I'm not interested. I don't want | | | | make them feel okay. Is it your responsibility to fill them |
| to hear about what I am doing wrong, and I don't want | | | | up with your attention? No, not if it is not what you |
| to be responsible for your feelings. I'm happy to talk | | | | want to do. So will you stay trapped in listening to |
| when you want to share yourself with me or learn | | | | them to avoid hurting their feelings, or will you take |
| about me, but not when you are blaming me for your | | | | responsibility for yourself by letting them know that you |
| upset." | | | | are finished listening and walking away? |
| "That sounds great!" | | | | Listening to another is wonderful when the intent is to |
| "Yeah, but Debra is going to be furious." | | | | learn. It is much kinder to yourself to disengage when |
| "So are you going to take loving care of yourself, or | | | | the intent is to control. |