| "We never seem to be able to solve any problems," | | | | have control over. |
| Kaylee told me in a phone session. "Every time we sit | | | | "The reason you keep fighting about problem-solving is |
| down to solve a problem, we end up fighting. It doesn't | | | | because you are trying to control him and he is |
| really matter what it is about - it always ends up the | | | | resisting being controlled while trying to have control |
| same. Is this normal? Aren't couples supposed to be | | | | over getting you off his back. Neither of you are |
| able to solve problems?" | | | | accepting that you don't have control over each other |
| "Kaylee, who usually initiates problem-solving talks?" | | | | - only over yourselves. With both of you trying to |
| "I do." | | | | control, you get stuck in power struggles with no way |
| "When you ask Hayden to talk with you about a | | | | of resolving anything. But if you focus on what you |
| problem, how does he usually react?" | | | | can control - which is you - then you can learn what |
| "He usually rolls his eyes, but he sits down with me." | | | | you need to do to take care of yourself in the face of |
| "Do you have any idea why he rolls his eyes?" | | | | whatever Hayden does. How does this sound to |
| "Yeah. He doesn't want to have to change." | | | | you?" |
| "So when you ask him to sit down with you to solve a | | | | "I'm not sure how this will work. Let's say that I'm upset |
| problem, he knows that what you are really after is | | | | with Hayden for not calling me when he is going to be |
| getting him to change, is that right?" | | | | late for dinner. It doesn't seem to be to be such a big |
| "Yeah, I guess so." | | | | deal for him to call me, yet he consistently forgets. And |
| "And then what happens?" | | | | you're right - I have no control over getting him to call |
| "Well, I tell him what is not working for me and what I | | | | me. What am I supposed to do?" |
| think we should do about it and then we end up | | | | "What are you telling yourself that is upsetting you |
| arguing." | | | | when he doesn't call?" |
| "So, your intent in talking is to solve the problem by | | | | "That he doesn't care about me. That he has been in |
| getting him to change, is that right?" | | | | an accident. That he is having an affair." |
| "Well, yeah! He is the one causing the problem for me!" | | | | "Then, of course, you feel upset because you are |
| "Kaylee, as long as you believe that he is causing your | | | | telling yourself things that you don't know to be true. |
| unhappiness, you will continue to be unhappy. I have a | | | | What if you told yourself, 'Hayden is not calling me |
| suggestion for you to try. Instead of trying to get him | | | | because he is overwhelmed with work, he is a |
| to change so that you can feel better, try not talking | | | | forgetful person, and he is in resistance to being |
| about problems at all. Instead of talking with him, open | | | | controlled by me. So I'm going to call a friend and go |
| to learning about what you can do to solve the | | | | out to dinner. Or, I'm going to go to the gym whenever |
| problem for yourself. Ask your inner guidance what | | | | he is late. Or, I'm going to rent a movie and eat in front |
| YOU need to do differently to make yourself happy, | | | | of the TV whenever he is late.' Would you still be so |
| rather than what HE needs to do differently to make | | | | upset?" |
| you happy. After all, you are the only one you actually | | | | "I don't think so! I'm going to try this. I feel better already! |