| As a counselor, I often work with people who are | | | | I causing their upset?" |
| unhappy in their relationship and thinking of leaving. | | | | "No. If you don't do what your husband wants and he |
| They believe that they are unhappy because of their | | | | gets upset, he might be telling himself something like, |
| partner, but the real reason is that they are not taking | | | | "Lila doesn't care about me." It is this thought that is |
| responsibility for their own feelings within the | | | | upsetting him. But is this true? When you don't do what |
| relationship. | | | | he wants, is it because you don't care about him?" |
| For example, when Lila started to work with me, she | | | | "No, not at all. Usually it is something that he can do for |
| was convinced that it was her husband's lack of help | | | | himself and I want to do something else with that time." |
| around the house, his anger, and his unwillingness to | | | | "So his upset is coming from what he is telling himself |
| communicate with her that was causing her | | | | rather than from you having done something wrong. |
| unhappiness. Yet it soon because apparent to me that | | | | But he will continue to get angry and blame you as |
| her unhappiness was being caused by giving herself | | | | long as it works for him to get you to do what he |
| and care-taking others to avoid conflict. | | | | wants. The way out of this dysfunctional system is for |
| "Lila, you constantly give yourself up and do what | | | | you to be willing to have him be angry with you. You |
| others want you to do - not just with Seth, but with | | | | might want to practice saying to yourself, 'I'm willing for |
| your children and with people at work. There must be | | | | others to be upset with me. I don't cause their upset. I |
| a good reason that you do this, even though it is | | | | haven't done anything wrong.' When you are willing for |
| making you feel resentful and trapped. Why do you | | | | others to be upset with you and you know you are |
| think you are doing this?" | | | | not the cause of their feelings, then you are free to |
| "I just don't like to fight. I don't like conflict. I don't like | | | | take responsibility for your own feelings. You are free |
| arguing. I don't like for people to be upset with me. | | | | to be kind and loving to yourself and them, instead of |
| "When people are angry or upset with you, what are | | | | giving yourself up and care-taking them." |
| you telling yourself that make this so hard for you?" | | | | As Lila became willing to have her husband - and |
| "I'm telling myself that I did something wrong or they | | | | others - be upset with her and willing to take |
| wouldn't be upset." | | | | responsibility for her own feelings rather than theirs, |
| "So you are taking responsibility for their feelings and | | | | she found herself becoming happy. The more she |
| behavior instead of your own. You are telling yourself | | | | took responsibility for her own feelings rather than for |
| that you are CAUSING their upset, rather than their | | | | Seth's, the more loving she felt toward Seth. |
| upset coming from what they are telling themselves | | | | I have found that taking responsibility for others' |
| about your behavior. It sounds like you want to believe | | | | feelings rather than one's own is one of the key issues |
| that you cause - and therefore control - their feelings | | | | that cause relationships to fail. Learning how to take |
| and behavior, and you also want to believe that they | | | | responsibility for your own feelings and wellbeing and |
| are causing yours." | | | | not for others' feelings may heal your relationship! |
| "If I don't do what they want and they get upset, aren't | | | | |