| I have counseled couples for almost 40 years, and it | | | | She was almost ready to leave rather than go on |
| still thrills me when a couple, especially a couple with | | | | losing herself in the relationship. When she finally |
| children, choose to work on their troubled marriage | | | | decided to be honest with Robert, he was more than |
| instead of leave it. It is my experience that when two | | | | willing to come into counseling with her. |
| people really want to save their marriage, they can. | | | | When Robert and Karen started phone sessions with |
| Even if one person wants to work on the marriage | | | | me, they both believed the following: |
| and the other doesn't, but the other is committed to | | | | "I am responsible for making you happy and you are |
| staying in the marriage, great change and healing can | | | | responsible for making me happy. This is why we are |
| occur. It actually takes just one person to change a | | | | together - to make each other happy. Why else be |
| codependent system, but when both are devoted to | | | | together? When you are not happy, it is my fault, and |
| doing their inner work, miracles can happen very | | | | when I am not happy, it is your fault." |
| quickly. | | | | It had never occurred to Robert or Karen that they |
| Such is the case with Robert and Karen, married 14 | | | | were each responsible for their own happiness. It had |
| years with two children. | | | | never occurred to them that they were together to |
| The essential problem in troubled relationships is that | | | | share their love rather than to get love. It was a totally |
| each person is trying to control the other in different | | | | new concept to them that they each had a child inside |
| ways, and neither person is taking loving care of | | | | them - their inner child, their feeling self - and that they |
| himself or herself. Each person is making the other | | | | were each responsible for their own inner child. Each |
| responsible for their feelings of happiness and safety, | | | | of them had been handing their inner child over to the |
| and neither is taking responsibility for their own | | | | other person, essentially saying, "Here. This child, my |
| happiness and safety. | | | | feeling self, is your responsibility." |
| Robert was trying to control Karen with his anger and | | | | The problem with this is that, just as an actual child |
| withdrawal. When she wasn't attentive enough to him, | | | | would feel abandoned if you kept trying to give him or |
| such as not wanting to listen to him complain about | | | | her to someone else to care for, your inner child feels |
| work, or when she didn't feel like making love with him, | | | | abandoned the moment you make another person |
| he would invariably get angry and sullen. He hoped that | | | | responsible for your feelings. Then you think that your |
| by punishing her, she would give him what he wanted - | | | | abandonment feelings are coming from the other |
| what he felt that he needed in order to be okay. | | | | person not loving you, when they are really coming |
| Karen was trying to control Robert with her caretaking. | | | | from you not loving you! |
| She would listen to him go on and on complaining | | | | I worked with Robert and Karen, teaching them how |
| about work, way past the point of boredom. She | | | | to take loving care of their own feelings. Within a few |
| would give in to him and make love when she was not | | | | sessions, Robert and Karen were sharing their love |
| turned on, in the hope that he would love her and not | | | | rather than trying to get love. The fun, joy, love and |
| be angry with her or leave her for another woman. | | | | passion were back in their relationship! |
| But Karen had reached a place of deep resentment. | | | | |