| Why would someone be afraid of intimacy? Don't we | | | | Then you might also get angry or shut down to avoid |
| all want to feel close and connected with someone? | | | | feeling rejected, or you might scurry around trying to |
| Yes, of course we want that, but there are very real | | | | make things right, taking responsibility for your partner's |
| fears that keep us from opening to emotional intimacy | | | | feelings. Out of your fear, you would try to control your |
| in a primary relationship. | | | | partner. |
| The Fears | | | | If you are operating from your loving adult self, your |
| What is the first fearful thought you think when you | | | | responses might be: |
| think of feeling close to someone? | | | | "My partner is closed right now and trying to blame me |
| "I'm going to be rejected or I'm going to be abandoned." | | | | or punish me for something. My heart hurts from being |
| "I'm going to be smothered, engulfed, controlled. I will | | | | treated this way, but I know that his or her behavior |
| lose myself." | | | | has nothing to do with me. I cannot cause another |
| "If I lose the person I love through death, I can't handle | | | | person to act this way, nor am I responsible for how |
| the pain." | | | | he or she chooses to behave. If my partner leaves, I |
| These are the fears that are behind the fear of | | | | will feel very sad, even heartbroken, but I can manage |
| intimacy. It's not the intimacy itself, but the bad things | | | | this feeling with deep compassion and tenderness |
| that can happen that are sometimes part of an | | | | toward myself. Now, I wonder how I can best take |
| intimate relationship. | | | | loving care of myself until he or she opens up?" |
| These fears come from the pain of having been | | | | As a loving adult, you would not take your partner's |
| rejected, or of having lost ourselves in a relationship, or | | | | behavior personally and feel rejected by it, nor would |
| of having too much loss without knowing how to | | | | you give yourself up trying to get your partner to open |
| handle grief. These experiences may have been so | | | | up. You might ask your partner what's wrong with an |
| painful that you are afraid to experience them again. | | | | intention to learn, and if he or she opens up, then you |
| Is this pain inevitable in an intimate relationship? Yes | | | | can have a productive conversation. If not, then you |
| and no. The pain of rejection or engulfment is NOT | | | | would compassionately tend to your own heartache |
| inevitable. The pain of losing a loved one through death | | | | and do something loving for yourself - take a walk, call |
| may happen and is always a huge challenge, but | | | | a friend, read a book, and so on. |
| would you really rather live a life without love than | | | | You would not fear being left by your partner, as you |
| face this challenge? | | | | would not be abandoning yourself. You would know |
| The Healing | | | | that you will take loving care of yourself. |
| The key to healing the fears is developing your loving | | | | Developing your loving adult self is a process that |
| adult self. | | | | takes consistent practice. When you shift your intention |
| For example, you are in a relationship with someone | | | | from trying to have control over another not rejecting |
| you really love. One day, out of nowhere, your partner | | | | you, to taking loving care of yourself, you gradually |
| gets angry with you, shuts down to you, or threatens | | | | develop your loving adult. The more powerful your |
| to leave you. | | | | loving adult self is, the less you fear intimacy. You no |
| If you are operating from the ego, wounded part of | | | | longer fear rejection because you no longer take |
| yourself, your reactions might be: | | | | others' behavior personally, and you no longer fear |
| "What did I do wrong?" (Taking it personally and feeling | | | | engulfment because you no longer give yourself up to |
| rejected). | | | | avoid rejection. As a loving adult, you learn how to |
| "What do I have to do to fix this?" (The beginning of | | | | manage loss so that you don't have to avoid love. |
| losing yourself). | | | | |