| The fight or flight response is a natural response to | | | | you need to do differently, you can reconnect with |
| danger. Our bodies are created to fight or flee when | | | | your partner and talk it out. Sometimes there is not |
| danger is upon us, such as being attacked by a | | | | even anything to talk out because the conflict was |
| mountain lion. When faced with this kind of danger, the | | | | about the fight or flight rather than about a specific |
| stress hormones pour into our body, causing some | | | | issue. More often than not, it is the stress response |
| blood to leave our brains and organs and go into our | | | | itself that is the issue. When you take the time to calm |
| arms and legs. This is vital to us if we are actually | | | | down, you might be able to apologize for your anger, |
| being attacked by a mountain lion or a mugger. The | | | | blame, defensiveness or withdrawal, and the conflict is |
| problem is that this same response occurs when we | | | | over. |
| become afraid in other situations, such as conflict with | | | | The second solution is a longer-term solution. This is |
| a partner. | | | | about doing enough inner work, such as the Inner |
| When in conflict with a partner, we need to have the | | | | Bonding process that we teach, so that your fears of |
| full capacity of our minds to deal rationally and lovingly | | | | rejection, abandonment, and engulfment gradually |
| with the situation. Yet the moment we become afraid, | | | | diminish. The more you learn to value yourself rather |
| some of the blood leaves our brain, we cannot think | | | | than expect your partner to define your worth and |
| as well, and we automatically go into fight or flight. That | | | | lovability, the less fear you have of rejection. The more |
| is when partners tend to fight or withdraw, neither of | | | | you learn to take loving care of your own feelings and |
| which leads to conflict resolution. | | | | needs, the less dependent you are upon your partner. |
| Obviously, fighting or fleeing is not the best way of | | | | When your fear of rejection diminishes, so does your |
| dealing with conflict. Yet when fears are triggered - | | | | fear of engulfment. People give themselves up and |
| fears of losing the other through rejection or | | | | allow themselves to be controlled and consumed by |
| abandonment, or of losing yourself and being controlled | | | | their partner as a way of avoiding rejection. When |
| by your partner - the stress response is automatically | | | | rejection is no longer so frightening, you will find that |
| activated and you find yourself fighting or shutting | | | | your fear of being controlled diminishes. |
| down. Now matter how much you tell yourself that | | | | The less fear you have, the less you will be triggered |
| next time you will respond differently, the moment fear | | | | into the stress response of fight or flight. The more |
| is activated you automatically attack, defend, yell, | | | | secure you feel within due to learning to value yourself |
| blame, or shut down through compliance or withdrawal. | | | | and learning to take loving care of yourself, the less |
| What can you do about this? | | | | fear you will feel in the face of conflict. This is when |
| There are two solutions to this dilemma. | | | | you stop being so reactive and are able to remain |
| The moment there is tense energy between you and | | | | open and caring in the face of conflict. |
| your partner, it is best for both of you to walk away | | | | There is no point in continuing a conflict when one or |
| from the conflict for at least 15 minutes. During this | | | | both of you are coming from fear. Continuing a conflict |
| time, you can calm down and do some inner work. As | | | | when the fight or flight response is activated will only |
| the stress response leaves your body, you can think | | | | erode your relationship. Until you can stay |
| better. This allows you to open to learning about your | | | | open-hearted in a conflict, it is best to continue to |
| end of the conflict. Once you are clear about what | | | | follow through on the first solution - taking a time-out |
| you are doing that is causing the problem and what | | | | until you feel open-hearted. |