Fear of Commitment

In my counseling work, I often work with clients whorelationship, she would not be able to make a
have a deep fear of commitment. These individualscommitment.
generally say that they want to be in a lovingDouglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact
relationship, yet they keep picking "the wrong people."same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a
Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in twovery "nice guy." He tends to try to please his partner
relationships at the same time. This didn't feel right tobecause, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing
her, so she knew that she had to make a choice. Yetthe things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving
she could not seem to decide which relationship washimself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and
right for her.ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating
Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for twounder the false belief that he has to give up his
years. Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving andpersonal freedom to be in a loving relationship.
sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappearBoth Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that
for long periods of time, and he was clear that he didis causing their fear of commitment: that loving another
not want children - which was very important toperson means doing what that person wants instead
Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on theof staying true to themselves and taking loving care of
edge financially.themselves. They both have a false definition of
Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different thanselfish. They think they are being selfish if they take
Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a jobcare of themselves instead of care-take their partners.
he loved and made very good money, and wanted toI offered them this definition of selfish:
have children. Susan was very attracted to Calvin andSelfish is when you expect someone else to give
in her heart she knew that he was a much betterthemselves up for you - to not do what they want to
choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem todo and instead do what you want them to do. Selfish
let go of Shawn.is when you do not support others in taking loving care
As we explored the situation, it became apparent thatof themselves and instead expect them to take care
Susan couldn't let go of Shawn because she wasof you.
terrified of commitment. With Shawn there was noGiving yourself up is a form of control. You want to
chance of being in a committed relationship - he wascontrol how the other person feels about you by doing
not really available. Yet Susan felt "safe" with Shawn.what they want you to do. When you do what
Safe from what?another person wants you to do from love and caring,
Susan discovered that she was terrified of really beingwith no agenda to get their approval, you feel
in love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not withwonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of
Shawn. In her mind, being in love meant losing heryour partner's anger or withdrawal, you will feel
freedom. When she thought of being with Calvin, shetrapped and resentful. To be in a committed
felt like she couldn't breathe. Her concept of a lovingrelationship, your first commitment needs to be to
relationship was that, "You are together all the time. Iyourself - to your truth, integrity and freedom.
couldn't just go and be with my friends or take aLearning to take loving care of yourself is the key to
vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving uphealing a fear of commitment. When you are taking
freedom."loving care of yourself, you will be filled with love and
No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long asyou will have much love to share with your partner!
Susan felt she had to give herself up to be in a loving