| "I feel so frustrated when Mark is late," complained | | | | "Well, I can take my own car, but then I don't get to be |
| Shauna, during our phone session. "What am I | | | | with him." |
| supposed to do with all this frustration?" | | | | "So which is more important to you - being with him |
| Shauna believed that her feeling of frustration was | | | | and being late, or being on time and not being with |
| being caused by Mark. But this was not the case. | | | | him?" |
| Frustration is the result of an expectation. Shauna had | | | | "Why can't he just be on time?" |
| an unrealistic expectation that Mark would be on time, | | | | "Shauna, this is a complicated issue. Perhaps he had a |
| despite the fact that he never was. Shauna knew | | | | controlling parent and he learned to resist by being late, |
| from the very beginning of their relationship that Mark | | | | or perhaps everyone in his household was always late |
| was always late, but she convinced herself that she | | | | and he learned to live his life this way. Perhaps he has |
| could make him change. Shauna hated being late, but | | | | a problem with time organization and has never |
| because she had fallen in love with Mark, she didn't | | | | learned how to manage time. He can learn this, but he |
| want to accept that she could not make him change. | | | | has to want to, and the fact that he is resistant to |
| So she kept trying to get him to be on time, and kept | | | | changing it means that he is getting some benefit out |
| feeling frustrated each time he was late. | | | | of being late. The issue for you is that you can't make |
| You will likely feel frustrated any time you do not | | | | him change, and the fact that you keep expecting him |
| accept the reality of a person or situation. Many | | | | to change is what is causing your frustration. |
| people believe that they can get others to change - if | | | | Accepting your helplessness over him is a big |
| they are loving enough, needy enough, angry enough, | | | | challenge, but until you do you will feel frustrated. Your |
| hurt enough, or punishing enough. Sometimes people | | | | expectations and resulting frustration is a protection to |
| will give in to you, but often they end up resisting in | | | | not feel the authentic feeling, which is the helplessness |
| other areas in order to not feel controlled by you. No | | | | over him. If you accept this, your frustration will go |
| one likes to feel controlled, so often people | | | | away and you will learn to take the loving action in |
| unconsciously do whatever it is you don't like to not | | | | your own behalf. So which is more important to you - |
| feel controlled. Few people have learned how to | | | | being with him and being late, or being on time and not |
| decide for themselves whether or not they want to do | | | | being with him?" |
| as another asks them to do. Instead, they either give in | | | | "I guess that sometimes it's more important to be with |
| and resent you, or they resist, and in both cases there | | | | him and other times it is more important to be on time. |
| are negative consequences for the relationship. | | | | And I can see that when it is more important to me to |
| "Shauna, if you completely accepted that Mark is | | | | be on time, then I have to take my own car. I can't say |
| always going to be late and that there is nothing you | | | | I'm happy about this, but I do feel a sense of relief |
| can do about it, what would you do to take | | | | knowing that I can do something about the time when |
| responsibility for your own feelings of frustration?" | | | | it is important to me. |