| Have you ever had an argument with someone - a | | | | or she knows exactly what to say to you that hooks |
| partner, spouse, close friend, child, parent or other | | | | you into engaging in the conflict. |
| relative, or a business associate - that started small | | | | Yet engaging is exactly what feeds the flames. To |
| and spiraled into an intense conflict? Have you ever | | | | diffuse the anger, you need to disengage. Disengaging |
| scratched your head, wondering how it got so out of | | | | means that you COMPLETELY unhook yourself from |
| control? | | | | the conflict. |
| Let's take a look at what feeds the flames of anger | | | | Disengaging does NOT mean that you walk away in |
| and what diffuses it. | | | | anger, muttering under your breath about how bad and |
| Feeding the Flames of Anger | | | | wrong the other person is and how he or she can't |
| Emma and Jake have been married for 14 years. | | | | treat you this way. It does NOT mean that you shut |
| They love each other, but they frequently have | | | | down, closing your heart and withdrawing your love or |
| arguments that escalate into intense fights where both | | | | caring. Your silent anger and withdrawal of caring are |
| of them end up feeling awful. | | | | just other ways of trying to control the angry person. |
| They've noticed that it doesn't matter what the conflict | | | | Energetically, you are still engaged, and the other |
| is about. Just about anything can touch off their anger, | | | | person knows it, albeit unconsciously. They know they |
| defensiveness, and blame. Then the laundry list from | | | | have gotten to you, which fuels their hopes of winning. |
| the past comes up and they are at it, often ending with | | | | Disengaging does NOT mean that you go off and |
| threats of divorce, which neither of them wants. | | | | ruminate about the other person, about how wrong |
| The problem is that they feed the flames with ANY | | | | they are and how you are going to teach them a |
| response once one of them is angry. | | | | lesson. It does NOT mean that you rehearse over and |
| Once a person is angry, he or she is no longer open to | | | | over what you are going to say to them next time you |
| hearing another view of things. Anger is a way of | | | | talk. |
| trying to have control over getting one's way. When a | | | | When you disengage, you are walking away from the |
| person is angry and yelling at or blaming another | | | | conflict to TAKE LOVING CARE OF YOURSELF, |
| person, they are trying to bully that person into doing | | | | NOT TO PUNISH THE OTHER PERSON. This means |
| what they want. They don't want to hear the other's | | | | that you fully accept that you have NO CONTROL |
| feelings, explanations, lectures, or logic. When they are | | | | over the other person's anger. You are getting |
| angry, they may have no feelings of caring about the | | | | yourself out of range of attack without shutting down |
| other person - they just want to control the person or | | | | your compassion for yourself or the other person. You |
| the situation. | | | | are helping yourself to not take the other person's |
| Therefore, ANYTHING you say to an angry person | | | | behavior personally by telling yourself that this is not |
| feeds the flames of anger and escalates the conflict. | | | | about you - it is about whatever is going on with the |
| The angry person may use whatever you say against | | | | other person. You are occupying your mind with helpful |
| you. Then your own anger escalates as you defend | | | | and pleasant thoughts - prayers for the other person, |
| against the attack and attempt to gain control over the | | | | a happy song that you sing to yourself, or about what |
| other person's behavior, feelings or views. | | | | you would love to do with your time right now. |
| Now you are both pointlessly trying to control each | | | | Completely letting go is a very loving act toward |
| other, bringing out the heavy artillery as you defend | | | | yourself and the other person. Because the other |
| your position. | | | | person energetically gets that their anger is not |
| Diffusing Anger | | | | working, they are more likely to calm down. When the |
| Most people, when yelled at, attacked, accused, or | | | | other person is friendly again, you are ready and willing |
| blamed, get triggered into defending and explaining - | | | | to re-engage with no hard feelings and nothing to |
| hoping to change the angry person's mind. It is as if the | | | | rehash, because you have kept your heart open and |
| angry person has thrown out a hook and you bite. If it | | | | taken loving care of yourself. |
| is someone who knows you well, like your partner, he | | | | |