| Controlling behavior: Behavior intended to control your | | | | you might turn to anger when thatdoesn't happen. You |
| own feelings,control how people feel about you and | | | | might find yourself giving in to what people want toa |
| treat you, or control the outcomeof things. | | | | certain extent, and then retreating or resisting their |
| All of us have grown up learning many different ways | | | | attempts to controlyou. You might find yourself being |
| to control - wehad to as part of our survival. | | | | furious at someone's attempts tocontrol you, but then |
| Perhaps you grew up in a family that used anger and | | | | giving in anyway to avoid his or her upset with you. |
| criticism as formsof control and this became the role | | | | Or perhaps you are a mellow person until you drink, |
| modeling for what you do now. Oryou might have | | | | and then youunleash your rage. Or vice versa - you |
| been a child who picked up on anger early, had | | | | are nice only when you drinkand you are a rageaholic |
| tempertantrums, and you are still using anger as your | | | | the rest of the time. Or, on the surface youmight be a |
| primary form of control. | | | | nice and giving person, all the while pulling energetically |
| If anger and criticism was used in your family, you | | | | forothers' love, attention, and approval. |
| might have learned torespond to it with compliance - | | | | All of these behaviors are intended to protect you |
| being a good girl or boy. You might havelearned to put | | | | from some form ofpain - the pain of rejection, of |
| aside your own feelings and needs and go along | | | | engulfment, of failure. Most peopleattempt in numerous |
| withwhat others wanted in the hopes of controlling | | | | ways to have control over getting love, avoidingpain, |
| their feelings and actionstoward you. You might use | | | | and feeling safe. |
| care-taking as your primary form of control. | | | | Yet it is these very behaviors that, as adults, are |
| Or, you might have decided to go in the opposite | | | | causing most of ourpain. Anger feels terrible in the |
| direction and resistothers' attempts to control you. You | | | | body, as does compliance. Being stuckin procrastination |
| might have decided that havingcontrol over not being | | | | or withdrawal also feels awful, as does the |
| controlled is what is really important. If youstruggle with | | | | emptinessof staying in your head instead of your heart. |
| procrastination, you might want consider that | | | | All these behaviors resultin feeling alone inside, |
| resistancehas become a major form of control for | | | | because they are all ways to abandon yourself. |
| you. | | | | Controlling behavior is not loving to yourself or to |
| Perhaps you decided as a child to just withdraw and | | | | others. |
| shut out others'attempts to control you. You might | | | | We've all heard that you can't love others until you |
| have also decided to try to controlyour own feelings | | | | love yourself, andthis is very true. Loving yourself |
| through addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, work, | | | | means that your focus is on what is trulyin your |
| TV, gambling, spending, and so on. | | | | highest good - what fills your heart with peace and joy |
| Finally, you might have decided that avoiding your | | | | and adeep sense of integrity and self worth. Loving |
| feelings by staying inyour head instead of your heart is | | | | yourself means that youare asking throughout the day, |
| the way to feel safe from pain. Theabandonment of | | | | "What is in my highest good in thismoment?" It is never |
| your own feelings - the lack of love for yourself - | | | | in your highest good to try to control others or |
| resultsin inner emptiness. Your emptiness becomes like | | | | usethem to fill your own emptiness. Nor is it in your |
| a vacuum on others'energy, pulling on others to give | | | | highest good to harmyourself or others in any way. |
| you the love you need to fill your inneremptiness. | | | | Try practicing throughout the day asking this question, |
| Most people chose a combination of the above ways | | | | "What is in myhighest good right now?" Answers will |
| of trying to control. | | | | come to you, and then you cantake the loving action. |
| For example, you might be a caretaker in the hopes of | | | | This one shift in your thinking can change yourlife! |
| getting people tolove and approve of you, and then | | | | |