Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?

The following article is offered for free use in yourNathan loves him. He’s very loving to Nathan,
ezine,print publication or on your web site, so long asbut if David wants to eat dinner when Nathan want to
the author resource box at the end is included, withplay with him, he just eat dinner and Nathan seems to
hyperlinks. Notification of publication would beaccept it. If I want to have my breakfast when Nathan
appreciated.wants to play, Nathan has a tantrum.”
For other articles which you are free to use, see“Rachael, Nathan has learned that he can manipulate
Title: Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?you because you are so concerned with how he feels
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.about you. As long as his loving you is more important
E-mail: Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paulto you than taking loving care of yourself, he will be
URL:able to manipulate you. This is not good for him or for
Word Count: 695you. It is too big a burden on him to have the
Category: Parentingresponsibility of defining your worth. As long as your
Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?worth is attached to being a good mother, Nathan will
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.be able to manipulate you.”
Rachael is the young mother of Nathan, who just“I can see that. Amalia is like David. If she has work
turned two. Rachael is a stay-at-home mother whoto do, she just expects Nathan to play by himself, and
works part-time at home and has the help of ahe does. She loves him, but she is firm about what she
housekeeper five days a week. Rachael consultedneeds to do. I can see that I give in all the time
with me because of her problems with Nathan.because I don’t want him to be upset with me.
“When Nathan is with David (her husband),What can I do now to change this?”
he’s fine. He adores David and listens well to“First of all, you need to consciously detach your
him. When he’s with Amalia (her housekeeper),worth from being a good mother. You need to do
he’s fine. He loves her and plays calmly withsome inner work on defining your worth separately
her. But when he’s with me, he’sfrom being a mother. Your sense of worth needs to
impossible. He throws temper tantrums when hebe attached to who you are — your kindness,
doesn’t get his way. He goes to sleep easily atcompassion, empathy, warmth, aliveness. You need to
night for David but not for me. I want so much to be atake responsibility for defining your own worth rather
good mother and I can’t figure out whatthan making Nathan, David, or anyone else responsible.
I’m doing wrong. I never get angry with him but“Second, you need to care about taking care of
sometimes I feel like throwing him across the room! Iyourself as much as you care about taking care of
need help!”Nathan. Nathan is a brat with you because you
“Rachael, when you are with Nathan, what do youdon’t care about yourself when you are with
think is more important to you — to get him tohim, so he has learned to not care about you. You are
love you or to be loving to yourself?”teaching him not to care about you when you do not
Rachael replied instantly. “To get him to love me. Icare about yourself.”
never think about loving myself. I just want him to love“Okay, I think I get this. I’m really going to try
me. If he loves me, then I know that I’m a goodto do it differently.”
mother.”Next week when we spoke in our phone session,
“And what does it say about you if you are a goodRachael reported that things had already dramatically
mother?”changed. Nathan was listening to her, going right to
“It means that I’m okay,”sleep when she put him down, and seemed happier in
“So you have handed to Nathan the job of defininggeneral. His tantrums had not yet completely stopped,
your worth. He has to love you for you to be okay.but they were far fewer. Rachael, too, felt happier
What do you think is most important to David?”because she was finally taking care of herself and her
“Oh, David takes good care of himself. He reallyown needs. For the first time since giving birth to
doesn’t seem concerned about whether or notNathan, she was having some time to herself.