| The Encarta World English Dictionary defines | | | | and nothing the child does really helps. Eventually the |
| "enmesh" as "to entangle somebody or something in | | | | child may shut down to the parent, distancing |
| something from which it is difficult to be extricated or | | | | themselves because they don't want to be controlled |
| separated." | | | | and they don't want responsibility for their parent's |
| Are you entangled with your children in a way that is | | | | feelings. The parent ends up getting the opposite of |
| limiting both you and your children? | | | | what he or she wants |
| Parents may enmesh with children when they want | | | | - A parent can also make a child responsible for his or |
| control over their children and they want their children | | | | her physical health. "If you do that, you will give me a |
| to take responsibility for them. By over-involving | | | | heart attack," is the kind of guilt-inducing statement that |
| themselves in their children's lives, they hope to tie their | | | | this parent may make. |
| children to them in such a way that their children feel | | | | - Some parents get their sense of identity by being |
| guilty over their parent's pain and responsible for it. | | | | right. They not only believe they are right, but they |
| There are various ways a parent may enmesh with | | | | believe they have the right to impose their views onto |
| his or her children: | | | | their children. Rather than supporting their children in |
| - When parents don't have a strong sense of their | | | | being true to themselves, they make their "love" |
| own identity, they may over identify with their children. | | | | dependent upon their children following their religion, |
| This means that they are over-invested in their | | | | their politics, their sports, their interests, or their values. |
| children's performance, such as their children's grades, | | | | - Some parents use money and things to gain the |
| sports, or talents. We've all seen the enmeshed father | | | | control they want. By threatening to withdraw financial |
| at his children's sports events, yelling at the coach or at | | | | support, they attempt to force their children into |
| the child, or the enmeshed mother of a child who is on | | | | becoming what they want them to be. They want to |
| stage, screen, or doing commercials. The parent who | | | | be able to brag about their children as their way of |
| screams at a teacher for their child's bad grade is | | | | enhancing their own diminished sense of self. |
| another example of an enmeshed parent. The parent | | | | - Finally, a parent may be enmeshed with their children |
| who insists that their child goes to med school when | | | | because they are taking responsibility for their children's |
| the child really wants to be an artist is another | | | | feelings. Rather than taking care of themselves and |
| example. Rather than supporting the child in following | | | | role-modeling personal responsibility for their own |
| his or her heart, the parent threatens a withdrawal of | | | | feelings, they are over-involved with making sure their |
| approval to control the child. | | | | children are happy - trying to take away every |
| - When a parent is devoted to being a victim and not | | | | sadness, every hurt, or every moment of boredom. |
| taking responsibility for their own feelings, they may | | | | Enmeshed, over-involved parents often want to blame |
| cry, yell, blame, and in various other ways "pull" on their | | | | their partner or someone else when their children don't |
| children to make the parent happy. A parent who sits | | | | perform to expectations, or their children pull away, or |
| in a chair with a miserable look or walks away crying | | | | rebel with drugs, alcohol, or an eating disorder. This |
| pathetically is pulling on his or her child to connect with | | | | parent wants to deny the fact that he or she has |
| them and fill their emptiness. Since they are taking no | | | | been a poor role model for taking personal |
| responsibility for themselves, they are a bottomless pit, | | | | responsibility for his or her own feelings and wellbeing. |