| Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years | | | | enough, he could have control over getting himself to |
| had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming | | | | do it "right." He realized this wasn't true by an |
| her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in | | | | experience he had playing tennis. |
| a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she | | | | "I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good |
| made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about | | | | mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to |
| something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a | | | | play well, and I played my best game ever! The very |
| bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him | | | | next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I |
| questions when he didn't know the answer. He would | | | | realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I |
| sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. | | | | now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. |
| He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or | | | | As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it. |
| when he didn't get her approval. While he freely | | | | I want to stop doing this, but I've been doing it my while |
| admitted that he blamed her, he couldn't seem to stop, | | | | life. How do I stop?" |
| and he had no idea why he blamed her. | | | | Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing |
| As I explored various situations with Allen, it became | | | | our thought process is especially challenging. However, |
| apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen | | | | there is a process available, but it will work only when |
| was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would | | | | you really want to change. Changing from being |
| verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself | | | | self-abusive to self-loving has to become more |
| things like, "I'm such a jerk," and would often say very | | | | important to you than continuing to try to control |
| negative things to himself, such as, "Things will never | | | | yourself through your self-judgments. |
| get any better," or "I'm just a loser," or "I'm a big | | | | 1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of |
| disappointment to myself." He would then feel angry | | | | when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, |
| and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he | | | | shamed, depressed, and so on. |
| never connected his anger with his self-judgment. | | | | 2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you |
| Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at | | | | are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than |
| other drivers on the freeway. | | | | ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, |
| It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able | | | | or continuing to abuse yourself. |
| to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and | | | | 3. Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself that is |
| judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a | | | | causing me to feel badly?" Once you are aware of |
| direct result of his self-abuse. | | | | what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, "Am I |
| The problem was that Allen had learned to be very | | | | certain that what I'm telling myself is the truth, or is it |
| self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts | | | | just something I've made up?" Then ask yourself, |
| run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not | | | | "What am I trying to control by telling myself this?" |
| what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. | | | | 4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a |
| As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded | | | | lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are |
| part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this | | | | telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of |
| part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in | | | | yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source |
| the 46 years of his life. | | | | of guidance, "What is the truth?" When you sincerely |
| Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger | | | | want to know the truth, it will easily come to you. |
| at others was really his anger at himself for abusing | | | | 5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth. |
| himself. He was projecting onto others what he was | | | | 6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel |
| doing to himself. He saw that he was especially | | | | badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you |
| sensitive to others' judgment because he was so | | | | are not in peace, go through this process to discover |
| judgmental of himself. | | | | what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough |
| As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he | | | | practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more |
| realized that he believed that if he judged himself | | | | of the time. |