Me and ED

I'd like to tell you about ED. We've been together forAnorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Eating. It is a illness that
as long as I can recollect. While other friends revolve incan and will be fatal. I know other disorders are linked
and out of my life, ED remains steadfastly by my side.to ED as well but I can only tell you of my experience. I
He's been there for minor losses, tragedies, births,like to think I have good judgment. But definitely not
deaths, milestones, as well as growing pains. I can't saywhile in my disease. I was at a retreat where a girl
that I like the guy but at times he has been a greatspoke about how she got rid of excess food by
comfort. And my identity as well. No self confidencedrinking a solution of Epsom salts and water. I was off
needed while he's around cause he does all theand running. Now most people would have thought that
thinking. My actions result because of him. I had a visitwas sick . But I thought it was an idea worth trying. It
from ED recently. Its been a while. Actually, a longworked really well. Never mind I was sick and weak
while. It was a surprise visit. He showed up and wefor several days afterwards. I also used laxatives and
went for it. See after any loss or emotional time hesyrup of Ipecac to purge with. I stuck with laxatives the
shows up to take my hand, and convinces me howlongest. Started with several at a time. Then used a
much I need him. The times I resist him are the mostwhole box be it 40 or 60 tabs. They seemed to work
rewarding times of my life. Sometimes I can't resist hisalong with the next days fast. Oh, and the 5 miles plus
charms. Here's how I usually feel about our visits.run. Rain or shine everyday. My bodies been through a
Before... agitated, upset and crappy.lot. At the time I was told of health consequences. Only
During... comforted and crappy.one thing mattered. Wearing the smallest size on the
After... relieved, guilty, sick and crappy.rack.
The further I get from our last visit the better I feel. II've picked myself up and brushed myself off so many
wish to forget his face. Forget what he feels like andtimes which is a victory in itself. Survival seems to be
that I needed him. When ED's around life is like a nevermy theme in life. Thats what I think I'm here for. If I
ending Drunk. Where I'm not responsible for who I hurt,have time to make up for some of the hurt I caused
what I do, or if I work or see friends. He gives megreat. But I first and foremost must survive. See, if I
permission to stop my life depending on his whim. He'sgive in and go where ED wants that would be suicide. I
gotten me into lots of trouble. He has made me hurtbelieve I would be sent right back here to repeat the
myself. I have hurt my family even more. See ripping ahell I often feel life's like now. I believe that my ED is a
razor blade across my body feels better than dwellingdisease . It's cunning baffling and powerful.
on how hopeless he makes me feel. He's chasedLets see. Cunning... It tricks you into thinking that this
people out of my life and left me at my knees. I knowtime it will be alright. Then you can stop.
the responsibility is mine but thats the weird part. YouTomorrow.
want to be with him against all your better judgment.The baffling part is how did I end up like this again.
He tricks you into thinking that this time will be different.Powerful... in that it can and has taken over my life.
Thats my definition of stupid. Doing the same thingAnd that you lose all appearance of control.
over and over again expecting different results. LikeI wish I could say ED and I are no longer companions.
bumping into a wall. I've done it before it hurts. But see,For the most part this is true. He stops by once in a
this time I will walk into the wall again but it won't hurt.while to show me how strong he is and how
If you haven't guessed by now ED is not a person .powerless I can be. And how very grateful I am for
ED stands for Eating Disorder. You've heard of themdays where he is nowhere in sight.